Thursday, August 30, 2007

What the fuck was that?

So, it's just a little before 10 on a Thursday night. KG and I are hanging out in the office with the door open, enjoying a quiet evening. Suddenly there is a screech of tires and a horrific crunching boom right in our driveway.

I'm glad I wasn't carrying a turd. It might have squeezed out.

I rushed out the door in time to see a dark SUV tearing up the street with a blown tire. Pieces of hubcap and rearview mirror were all over our driveway and the street. There's a good chunk missing out of the telephone pole at the end of our driveway.

This asswipe was apparently bombing down our street on the wrong side of the road.

I called the cops, who just showed up. It appears the driver crashed in Whitman and is under arrest for DUI. The officer collected some evidence from my driveway, and went on his way.

Excitement she wrote!

A new addition to the family.

No, KG is not pregnant.

However, my father has remarried (third time's a charm?).

Here's a pic of all of us from a couple of weekends ago when they came to visit.

Saturday, August 25, 2007

Global Integrated Joint Operating Entity

Forgive me if I'm mistaken, but I believe the slogan was "G.I. Joe, Real American Hero."

Stephen Sommers can nibble the poo pills off my hairy, sweaty ass. Mother fucker.

The only childhood toy that cam close to rivaling my Star Wars obsession was GI Joe. Fact is, Joe pretty much eclipsed my SW craze. The Hasbro line went into high gear between Empire and Jedi. After Jedi came out, I got a few figures, but no playsets or vehicles. On the other hand, I had tons of GI Joes. I even had the damn base. I loved those guys.

The cartoon was the standard 80's shit, but the comic book truly rocked.

When I first heard rumblings of a movie, I didn't hold out much hope for something good. But this shit is just retarded. Seriously.

Why do we always need to update things? A Joe movie based on the comic book would be cool. If you're looking to reignite the franchise, go with the nostalgia. Bring to flesh and blood what we loved as children.

If you have to update, make it relevant, OK. You could pull that off with a little imagination.

But Sommer's vision: Festering shit heaps.

For the love of all that is PVC, someone give me a live action GI Joe TV show. Do the comics, man. You want to update it, fine. Snake Eyes lost his face in Iraq. Cobra is a domestic terrorist organization using the distraction of the War on Terror to destabilize the US. The GI Joe unit is culled from our current military ranks, misfit weapons geniuses and computer hackers, etc, who don't fit in well, but are the best in the military.


Thursday, August 23, 2007

Home Improvement

I'm almost afraid to say it, but this place is finally starting to shape up. Last weekend I installed storm doors on the front of the house. KG's mother and her boyfriend came up during the week and replaced all the rotting boards on the deck and power washed 10+ years of scum off of it. It looks almost new. Today they replaced the patio slider. Not only does it actually slide now, but it has a screen. No more bugs in the house!

This weekend they're coming up again and we'll start replacing all the windows.

The backyard looks pretty good. We acquired a wooden swing set and a kiddie pool. The fence has been repaired, and we have new wooden steps covering up the busted brick ones.

Once we get the windows done, the only major thing left is the roof. Then we can start with all the updating and cosmetics.

Our little home feels more like a home every day.

Friday, August 17, 2007

Zen and the art of slack

Story time, kids. I was recently reminded of all the fun I used to have when I worked at Sears, so I thought I'd share a tale or two.

I was 17 when I worked at the Sears Auto Center. I was a stockroom clerk. I stocked tires, exhaust systems and car batteries. I worked the night shift, the shop manager was a drunk, the mechanics were drunks and loons, and my coworkers were fellow high school slackers.

One of my favorite activities at work was to pour lighter fluid down the exhaust pipes. We had a whole slew of them hanging on huge metal racks. One of my cohorts would climb the rolling ladder, dump the lighter fluid down the pipe and then step back as I held a lighter to the bottom end. The lighter fluid would ignite with a loud "whooping" sound, and shoot out 2 or 3 feet from each end. We stopped doing this one night when one of the other clerks lit the pipe too soon and the guy on the ladder got a tad singed.

Another past time was having dolly races up and down the aisles of tires. I drove smack into the shins of the shop manager one time. He stared at me, walked back into his office, and remained there for the rest of the shift.

We got pretty good at racing pallet jacks down the ramp out back. Rolling people down the same ramp after ringing them in snow tires would good for a laugh as well.

Sometimes we'd use the compression hoses to fire objects around the shop. Soda bottles, tire valves. Those valves hurt like hell when they nailed you.

When we weren't stocking shelves or fucking around, we swept out the bays at the end of the night. When the mechanic using that bay was done for the night, we'd put up the lift and clean.

One night I was leaning on the counter to the stockroom, absently watching my coworker Dana clean the bays. He was a tad slow. A really nice kid and actually quite bright. But his mind moved in low gear, and he was often not quite with us. He was holding down the lever to one of the lifts, staring off in space. He thought he was raising the lift in the bay he was standing in. He wasn't. It was for the lift next to it. Which had a car parked in it. At an angle. Not lined up on the lift.

It took a moment or two for me to register the car beginning to rise on one side. It had a fairly serious list by the time I started screaming Dana's name. By the time he looked up at me, smiled and waved, the car was about 3 feet off the ground on one side and rising fast. I started waving and pointing frantically, and other people in the shop started noticing and piping in. Dana finally turned and looked just as the car toppled over on to it's side, making a horrible crunching sound as the roof crumpled between the lifts.

True story.

There was one mechanic who did an oil change and forgot to refill the oil. The owner of the car realized his mistake about a mile or so from the garage when his engine seized. Sears was kind enough to retain this mechanic, asking only that he pay for and install a new engine for the customer.

They did, however, excuse him from work when he did it again a week later.

Another guy was filling a tire he had just changed. The tire lay flat on this machine while he used a compressor to fill it. He was having a rather animate chat with the guy in the bay next to him, leaning one arm on the tire as he talked. After a while, the tire exploded off of the machine and flew through the air fast enough to leave an imprint on the ceiling. The guy's arm was broken in 4 places.

I dressed a mannequin in one of my work uniforms and placed it in the trash compacter. As one of my coworkers held in the button to compact the trash, I let out a scream, threw some fake blood around and hid. He stopped the compacter, came running in, and screamed like a little girl.

Good times.

The best, though, was when I opted to take a work study my senior year of high school. My shift was 5-9, and they weren't going to pay me to work any more than that. I got out of school at noon, and was supposed to go to work. My manager was cool, and would fill out the time slips and sign the papers. I had to be at work, but I wasn't going to get paid.

It just so happened that the stock room for the garage abutted the stock room for hardware, appliances and sporting goods. I appropriated some cardboard stove and fridge boxes, and created a fort. From the aisle, it appeared to be a stack of appliances. In reality, there was a fairly large open space, as I had cut out the back of several of the boxes. I grabbed a sleeping bag, some cushions and a radio, and made myself a camp. I usually spent the hours between 12 and 5 napping away to some Zeppelin.

I got an A in work study that year.

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Are you trying to kill my fucking kids?

Yet another massive recall of toys due to lead paint.

What the fuck? Seriously.

Saturday, August 11, 2007

Death and .........

My, how things change when you become a home owner. Massachusetts has once again decided to hold it's allegedly economy spurring "Tax Free Weekend." That's right, folks. Anything you purchase ( excepting cars, tobacco products, meals and single items over $2,500) this weekend is tax free. You can keep the 5% sales tax. Buy or die!

In the past, I would have been tempted to drop some change on new CDs or DVDs. Maybe an electronic device or two. New toys for the kids. Or, more likely, I'd refrain from spending any extra money and stick with the usual slew of groceries, etc.

Today, I hit the Depot. Walked out with a 24ft extension ladder (for cleaning gutters and trimming trees), 2 aluminum storm doors, a gallon of exterior wood stain, a square, a level, a center punch, a hacksaw, and 2 reflective driveway markers.

I saved about $40, but the interest rate on the credit card will more than compensate for that.

Did I forget to say "woohoo?"

Monday, August 06, 2007


Weymouth had it's first murder of 2007 yesterday. It seems Ryan Bois broke into a relatives house on Randall Street, rape and murdered his 6 year old cousin, and then stole the family's car with her naked, battered body in the back.

After a high speed chase through Quincy, this sick fucker was arrested.

In all seriousness, if you're a cop and you pull over a guy who has the naked, battered body of a six year old girl in the back seat, there's only one thing to do. Put a bullet in his mother fucking head.

End of story.

Not only am I a father of a little girl, we used to live just a couple of streets away. I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that if someone did this to my little girl, I would not stop until I had wrung every drop of life out of him.

There's no punishment that fits this crime. None.

Saturday, August 04, 2007


On Friday my odometer rolled over to 100,000 miles. I was directly in front of Collison Craft on Route 18 in Abington.

I half expected the car to pull a Blues Brothers and simply fall apart at that exact moment.

Alas, it did not.

So far, the weekend has managed to be both pleasurable and miserable. It's hot. Crazy, humid hot.

Friday night KG and I snuck off to my parent's house and went for a swim. That was a treat. Every now and then it's nice to get out of the house for no good reason. Today we had a birthday party for the boy. 4 years old now. He had a good time, and we only ended up with one extra kid running around for a while.