Friday, December 30, 2005

Let’s talk about my sister. She goes by the name of JeeBee. We’ll refer to her as JB for the sake of ease.

JB is a couple of years younger than me. 2, to be exact. Unfortunately for her, like most younger siblings she looked to her elder sibling for guidance and wisdom. That’d be me. Affectionately known as Christoff. TK8103 to my friends.

Well, to be honest, I’m not the best role model. As an older brother, you don’t have much choice in the matter. You’re a role model by default. Be that as it may, you may not be an especially great one. But hey, that’s what parents are for. In JB’s case, her parents were overgrown children themselves. To top it off, they split up when she was 10 and moved her away from her childhood home and friends. So she was off to a bad start.

Thankfully, JB is intelligent, if not a tad ignorant. She’s got brains, but she’s not always quick to use them. She’s passionate and creative whilst being lazy and overly content. She’s got high aspirations and hope, but has no purpose or direction. She’s been adrift for a while, and it’s finally starting to come around and kick her in the ass.

Chên. Shock, the Arousing. A little karma catching up with the bum.

JB quit her job 2 years ago to pursue her dream of becoming a published writer. Her room mate and long time friend had come into a nice little sum of money, and graciously if not insanely agreed to let JB and her tenacious twin CC live off her for 6 months while they gave living their dreams a try.

It was a nice idea, and I said “Hey, if you think you can pull it off, why the hell not?” That was 2 years ago.

Room mate and long time friend, MG, eventually ran out of money. She along with JB and CC managed to piss through a sizeable hunk of change in those 2 years. They all live in a filthy, shit ass apartment along with CC’s 6 year old daughter. Cute kid. They survive surrounded by the din of their own filth and trash, and the clatter of all the precious shit they’ve spent their money on. Finely crafted, highly collectable limited edition crap. They have no money, except for MG who works for a living again. Earns a paycheck for working for a living. JB and CC trade in used cds to buy cigarettes. They’re on the dole for heating assistance. CC’s is waiting on some legendary 6 figure settlement from Comcast for a life altering fender bender that has left her crippled. She’s not actually lame. But see that smudge on the xray that looks like a thumbprint? That’s trauma.

They have 1 car between them (JB and CC. MG has her own wheels.) Said car has been in disrepair for sometime. It passes inspection, but barely. Hell, I’ve had more than a few cars like that in my day. Last week, the poor thing gave up the ghost. A lack of oil left the old girl with a bad ticker, and it finally seized.

After a couple of close calls with parental intervention, JB finally got off her tush and started looking for a job in earnest. She ended up getting hired at, of all places, the very company whose bonds she had slipped a mere 2 years ago. All she had to do was pass the simplest of tests. One were all you had to do was not do something for a month or 2. That’s pretty easy, really. Shouldn’t be too hard.

Ahhh, JB. They found a little THC in her tinkle. Did I mention that JB’s mother works for this same company? She does. Mother is a little upset. Mother has good cause to be. Mother thinks it might be time to start parenting again. So do I.

Now I’ll be the first to admit I have erred in my day. Sometimes I’ve even erred in spectacular fashion. I continue to err, in a much more subtle fashion now that I have some responsibilities in life. Because those things matter to me. I’ve always managed to keep my head above water, and plan just far enough ahead to give myself something of a cushion should shit come to pass. Because it often does. Case in point, the furnace just shut off because we’re out of oil. They oil guy is coming tomorrow, but it’s still tonight and our furnace has just shut off. Oops. Guess I should have taken the trip down into the basement to check the oil level a couple of days earlier.

That said, JB does not have the kind of safety net I’ve always kept. She’s still got blind hope where I’ve always had a jaded realism. She still firmly believes it all just work itself out. I’d be happy to eat my hat if it ever did, but I know it doesn’t work that way.

I’m sitting here tonight, listening to The Dirty 3 and thinking about that big brother role. And whether or not I need to pick up the mantle and be one while I try to do a better job at being a husband and a father. I’m weighing possible interventions and probable outcomes. Right action versus mindful action. I’m thinking about how much I need to clean up my own act as well. Her big chen is my little chen. A tap rather than a slap. Time for TKSr. To get behind the mule and plow. Only by doing so could he teach JB and TKJr to plow.

What to do, what to do… I was going to watch Devil’s Rejects. Instead I think I’ll take a much needed leak, smoke a couple of butts and mull things about until I fall asleep.

Wednesday, December 28, 2005

Happy Brumalia

Tonight is one of those nights where I'm sitting here on the couch, doing nothing much and thinking my useless thoughts. I thought I might be nice and share a few of them.
I haven't been paying too much attention to the brouhaha over the "War on Christmas." People arguing over something so pointless usually just makes me tired.

Then I happened to wander by Mycalls blog, and saw his very eloquent entry about the true spirit of Christmas. I agree with him, that's what it really is all about.

But, I'm not feeling so eloquent or nice this evening. Small minded people really tick me off. So I'm going to offer up my personal solution to the whole problem. I'm working on a new system here, folks. In theory, it works as follows: Complain about something unimportant, and we'll make your life so fucking miserable you'll learn to shut up and get on with life. So, here goes...

Apparently, in the United States, the federal government does not technically have any national holidays. I did not know this. The federal government does, however, recognize 10 annual holidays (recognize is a funny word. Does the government say "Hey there, Independence Day. I've seen you around, I recognize you. I digress.) Those holidays would be:

New Years Day, Martin Luther King Day, President's Day, Memorial Day, Independence Day, Labor Day (celebrate work by staying home!), Columbus Day, Veterans Day, Thanksgiving, and Christmas.

One of these things is not like the other ones. Hhhmmm... only one of them seems to be a religious holiday.

The religious right complain about the secularization of Christmas. The other side doesn't want religious displays. So, let's piss everyone off... no more Christmas holiday. That old separation of church and state thing. No more day off from work. No more day off from school. You want to sit at home or in church and meditate on the virgin birth? Take a fucking vacation day. You prefer to gather at a relatives house, get drunk, eat too much food and spend wads of money on useless shit no one really wants? Call in sick to work. Schedule a day off with pay.

That ought to please no one.

The other thing we could do, since the actual granting of holiday status is apparently up to state and local government, is have Christmas celebrated on different days in different places. If we're really clever about it, it could be fucking Christmas somewhere every day of the year. Woohoo!

The whole origin of what we now know as Christmas is so murky and convoluted anyway. December 25th has about as much to do with the birth of Christ as tit fucking has to do with reproduction. Christ's Mass, Hanukhah, Kwanzaa, Winter Holiday... whatever you want to call it, just enjoy it. Do we really need to start treating the people in this country like bratty children? If you can't all shut up and enjoy the day, we'll take it the fuck away from you. It's starting to seem that way.

Anyway... I enjoyed Christmas, despite the familial obligations that can be tiring and stressful. I enjoyed it because I love the people in my life. Even the ones I neglected to send a card to. I have ADD... these things slip my mind. Trust me, if you haven't heard from me lately it's probably because I think about you a lot. But that is beside the point. My point was, I think, that we have one day a year where the basic idea is to think and act kindly toward everyone. To give, to love. To reflect, to celebrate. People need to make an issue out of that? Fuck you. Fuck you all.

Tuesday, December 27, 2005

So, I have my eval at work tomorrow. 5 years I've been toiling away at that place. Putting up with constant shit, dumbasses, lazy, slow motherfuckers. I do love my job... really.
I'm not a big fan of the evaluation process. I have to write little mini essays anytime I give myself a "Performance is outstanding and far exceeds job requirements." Of course, I give myself that grade on everything. Because it's true.
The problem is this: I have to defend my grade while meeting with my boss. Which means I have to watch what I say and play nice. I can't say "Since no one else can be bothered to do their job, let alone do it right, my performance is outstanding. I do my job and I do it right. Since none of the other lazy idiots here ever get fired, or even in trouble, there must not be a lot expected of them. The other person who does my job shops on line all day. Ergo, I must be exceeding my job requirement. Unless my job requirement is to do my work and everyone elses. If that's the case, I'm probably just squeaking by."
I can't tell her that she doesn't understand or even know half of what I do. I can't tell her that I take charge and get stuff done. In fact, when I go to another manager to get some advice, my boss sees it as going over her head, and she gets pissed. I could, and probably should go into more depth on that, but I'm supposed to be writing my eval right now.
In short, I'll spit out some buzzwords, write vague sentences, and listen to her tell me I don't spend enough time training people. Never mind I don't have the time to train people. Never mind the fact that everytime I've tried to train someone, 50 fucking idiots come to me for help.
She'll probably make some comment about me over stepping my boundries. Never mind that while I work in Operations, I answer to people in a number of departments. Forget that I get asked to and am expected to do all sorts of things that are outside the scope of my responsibilities. Forget that I have a good relationship with managers in other departments, and am on committees with them where things get discussed. Never mind that somehow, somewhere along the line, someone other than me decided I should be involved in making policies. I don't have clearly defined boundries, so how am I supposed to know if I'm over stepping them?
Whatever. Just give me my 5% raise. I fucking deserve it. End of story.

Monday, December 26, 2005

Happy B-day, Jebus

So... the holidays are over. Well, we still have that whole new year thing coming, but the gift giving, family seeing, drive all over the damn place part is over. My back hurts. I'm tired. I'm over caffeinated.
Christmas was fun. It was the first one where TKJr could really enjoy it, and he did. He was pretty well behaved, considering he had 2 days with no naps.
KG got me some nice stuff. The topper is a new electric guitar. Now, hopefully... I'll finally start learning to play something other than power chords and "Ode to Joy." KG gave a lot of thought to her gifts, and mostly bought me stuff she thought I would like. She knows me well.
My parents got me a Hitachi 3/8" 14.4V cordless driver drill. Nice! I have some man chores that I've put off for months because driving a screw by hand sucks ass.
I'm a little let down on the dvd front. Nothing! I did win "As Good as It Gets" and "Somethings Got to Give" in a yankee swap. Think I'll trade those in...
Oh well. We also got about $400 toward a new computer. I'm thinking Dell.
I thought I had more to say, but I don't. I have to work tomorrow. Right now, I want to get back to my new favorite read.

Friday, December 23, 2005

My favorite Christmas song

In the immortal words of Mr. Garrison, "Merry Fucking Christmas."

Merry Fucking Christmas - South Park
I heard there is no Christmas,
In the silly Middle East..
No trees, no snow, no Santa Claus,
They have different religious beliefs...
They believe in Muhammad,
And not in our holiday...
And so every December,
I go to the Middle East and say...

Hey there Mr Muslim, Merry Fucking Christmas
Put down that book, The Koran
And hear some holiday wishes
Incase you haven't noticed,
It's Jesus's Birthday
So get off your heathen Muslim ass
And fucking celebrate.

There is no holiday season in India,
I've heard..
They don't hang up their stockings,
And that is just absurd..
They've never read a Christmas story,
They don't know what Rudolph is about...
And that's why in December,
I'll go to India and shout...

Hey there Mr Hinduist, Merry Fucking Christmas
Drink eggnog, and eat some beef
and pass it to the missus
Incase you haven't noticed,
It's Jesus's birthday
So get off your heathen Hindu ass,
And fucking celebrate.

Now I heard that in Japan,
Everyone just lives in sin...
They pray to several gods,
And put needles in their skin...
On December twenty-fifth,
all they do is eat a cake...
and that is why I'll go to Japan,
and walk around and say...

Hey there Mr Shintoist, Merry Fucking Christmas
God is gonna kick your ass You infidelic pagan scum.
Incase you haven't noticed,
There's festive things to do
So lets all rejoice for Jesus
and Merry Fucking Christmas to you.

On Christmas Day, I travel round the world and say..
Taoists, Korishnas, Buddists
and all you atheists too..
Merry Fucking Christmas to you.
Thank you, Mr Hat..

Thursday, December 22, 2005

I'm Mr. Stagger Lee!

Top 5 Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds albums

1. Murder Ballads . Dark, dark humor abounds on this album. 10 songs, all as the title suggests, murder ballads. Nick joyfully inhabits the mind of the various killers. "Stagger Lee" has my all time favorite line in a song ever... "I'd climb over 50 good pussies just to get to one fat boy's asshole."
2. Henry's Dream. Atmospheric, moody... this is a great album. "Christina the Astonishing" is a haunting track.
3. The Boatman's Call Nick's first post-rehab album. It's an abrupt about-face from his usual over the top ballads. Here we find deeply, painfully personal thoughts. It's not a happy album, but a great one none the less. It was my soundtrack for a few years.
4. Let Love In This is probably his best known album, contains the track "Red Right Hand." My personal favorite is "Do You Love Me (Part 2)", but as already shown, I have strange tastes.
5. B Sides & Rarities I wish more bands, esp The Rez, would do this. A 3 disc box set of every B side, outtake and non-album track ever. I'm a completist when it comes to my favorite bands, and it costs an arm and a leg trying to collect all the EPs and singles. Thank you, Nick, for putting it all together in one place. Best track, his duet with Shane Mcgowan on "What a Wonderful World."

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Eat exuding oinks!

This list was tough. I've been putting off doing these guys because it's so damn difficult to come up with my favorite 5. Each album is such a unique creation it's hard to rate. That said, this is what I managed to nail down...

Top 5 The Residents albums

1. Residue DeuxThis compilation of out takes served as my introduction to the eyeballed ones. For a collection of orphaned tracks, it does a fairly good job of introducing a newbie. Before "The Sleeper" was half over, my heart was taken.
2. The Big Bubble Probably one of the most unpopular Residents album out there. You either love it or hate it. This one is like a soundtrack to insanity. Sung completely in gibberish, the raw emotion is unnerving. According to legend, the band was at odds with their label. It shows. Me thinks this whole album was a big old "fuck you." I love it. "Gotta Gotta Get" is one of my favorite songs in the whole world.
3. Stars and Hank Sadly, I only have this on LP, so I don't get to hear it much. One side is Hank William songs, covered in a fairly straight forward manner (Residentially speaking, of course). Side 2 are Sousa songs. The Sousa side is recorded with ambient crowd sounds, so it seems like you're on the sidewalk watching a parade go by. One crazy friggin parade, mind you.
4.Wormwood "Curious Stories from the Bible." Indeed. Probably one of the crowning moments for the Rez, this album takes some of the darkest, most fucked up stories from the Old Testament and puts them to music. Sung from the perspective of the characters. Musically this is the residents at their peak. This was the second album I got, and doomed me to drooling fanhood forever more. "Burn Baby Burn", I love that song!
5. The Warner Brothers Album This is actually part of the Rez's pre-history, and never officially released. I've heard 2 remix versions now (Eyeball sanctioned), but I'm fortunate enough to have a copy of the original, and I love it. Immensely. The unbridled enthusiasm, the raw sound... you can't beat it.
6. Diskomo 2000/Goosebumps Told you I couldn't do 5. When I first heard about The Residents, it was the Goosebumps EP that was described to me. The teller of the tale didn't remember the album title, only that it was scary renditions of nursery songs. I lusted after this, and amassed most of my collection before finally finding it. This is perhaps my most beloved album. It really is kind of creepy.

Well, I could go on and on, but that'll have to do. Thank you Molius for introducing me to Mozilla. Cntrl + Tab makes these lists a whole lot easier!

Monday, December 19, 2005

Schnappschub ein familienfoto

Top 5 Peter Gabriel Albums

1.Passion . The soundtrack to "The Last Temptation of Christ". Say what you want about the film, this album is incredible. Haunting, moving, inspiring. I would often listen to this while writing.
2.Us . A deeply personal and introspective album. I've liked this album since it was released, but it wasn't until a car trip from Ohio that it really started speaking to me.
3.Peter Gabriel 4 aka Security . I actually bought this album for the sole purpose of visiting my friend Jen P when she worked as a cashier at Caldor . Ended up being one of my all time favorite albums. "Rhythm of the Heat" and "Lay Your Hands on Me" simply kick ass.
4.Peter Gabriel 3 aka Melt . Gabriel once said he wanted his albums to be like magazines. Same title, different content. First time I ever got rip assed drunk (on SoCo, no less), I sang a very painful, off key rendition of "Biko" to my girlfriend on the phone. "Intruder" is a great track as well. I've been listening to this one a lot lately.
5.Ein Deutsches Album . Same album as #4, except sung in German. The mixes are a bit different as well. I poked around trying to find info on why Gabriel rerecorded the album in German. Didn't find much except one mention of it being a response to his solo work not being very big in Germany. At any rate, it brings a whole new dimension to an already outstanding album. I just picked it up on CD after only having it on vinyl for the last 10+ years. I also just discovered that he also recorded Security in German, so I guess I'll be hunting for that soon.

Sunday, December 18, 2005

Top 5 Led Zeppelin

Ahhh, screw y'all. I'm getting the obvious ones out of the way first. I was going to pick the box sets for # 1 & 2, but that pretty much encompasses every single album. So I'll try not to cheat...

1.Led Zeppelin . Right out of the gates these boys were a force to be reckoned with. Favorite track.. "How Many More Times"
2.Led Zeppelin III . Mmmm, mmm, good.
3.Led Zeppelin II. What can I say, the best albums had no proper title. "The Lemon Song." Woohoo!
4.Physical Graffiti. I'd put this in my top 10 just on the power of "In My Time of Dying." God damn, that song rocks.
5.BBC Sessions. For the longest time I only had a cassette of this, taped off of BCN back when BCN played music. Perhaps my all time favorite rendition of "Dazed and Confused."

Next up, something slightly more esoteric....

Saturday, December 17, 2005

Let the lists begin...

So, I decided to kill a few days worth of posting with a bunch of Top 5 lists. No real reason, I just feel like doing it.

I'm going to start with Top 5 albums, by band. These lists are completely subjective. I'm going strictly by what albums I own, and which ones I listen to the most. Take issue if you must, this is by no means a scientific, accurate or relevant list.

Top 5 Pink Floyd albums

1. Echoes . I usually don't go for the "best of" collectections, but this 2 disc set really hits home. Excellent selection of songs, and the tracks are laid out well. Great for first time listeners, long time fans, anyone looking to chill out for a few hours.
2.Dark Side of the Moon . Goes without saying, really. KG's fave as well. Awesome album from start to finish.
3.The Final Cut . Probably one of the least popular albums. It was their coda, and is pretty much all Waters. I don't know, though... for some reason I really enjoy it.
4.Animals . I first got into Floyd when I was watching WKRP. Johnny Fever was playing "Dogs", much to Mr. Carlson's dismay. I really dug the sound, and this was my first Floyd album.
5.The Wall . High school, angst, The Wall. This album was the soundtrack to my late teens.

That's all for now!

Friday, December 16, 2005

So damn sleepy....

Well, today has been a grand waste of a day.

I ran out of Adderal this week. I kept forgetting to call the doctor and get a refill. It's not an easy thing to do. Since it's an amphetamine, I have to have a hand written script. I can only get a month's worth ata time, and I have to go into Davis Square to get it.

I take Adderal because I have ADD. One of the problems with having ADD is that I often forget to do things. Things like calling in for a refill. So I ran out. I had only been taking it during the week until a couple of months ago. KG suggested I start taking it 7 days a week, since I wasn't doing much on the weekends. So I complied, and now I tend to get a lot more done around here.

Anyway, I ran out. Didn't take any yesterday, didn't take any today. This morning, I got up with KG, got TKJr ready for daycare, and brewed a pot of coffee. I was supposed to be in Walpole around 11 for a trooping event. Went into the bedroom to lay down for a minute...

Woke up at 2:30 this afternoon. I slept all friggin day. What do I have to show for it? Missed the troop, didn't get anything done, and my back is totally fucked up. I'm in pain, and now KG is pissed at me because I was snappy.

Wednesday, December 14, 2005


We closed today.. woohoo.

I have the rest of the week off. Yes indeed, that is a good thing.

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

We'll do si do in the snow

I'm watching Year Without a Santa Claus . Half watching, but enough is seeping through to trigger a bunch of dusty yuletide memories. And I'm in the mood to share!

My parents worked pretty hard to keep my sister and I believing in the jolly fat guy. They came up with some pretty smart cover stories. I really have to hand it to them.

Early on, all I wanted was Star Wars toys for Christmas. I guess I was 5 or 6 when I became concerned about something. According to the TV, Santa had a bunch of elves toiling away up in the North Pole. Well, I knew full well that my Star Wars toys were made by the good folk at Kenner . I knew they were trademarked as well. So, I wondered aloud, how could elves be making them?

To which my parents spun this: Santa was a wholesaler of sorts. He had deals with all the toy manufacturers, and bought at a deep discount. This helped explain two other potential issues:

There are so many kids in the world, no one man and a team of elves could keep up with demand. And, what kid in the 70's wanted a wooden train?

Second, why didn't I get everything I asked for or wanted? The answer to that was as follows...

Santa talked to each and every parent and determined what they could afford to spend on their children. Santa then selected from the child's list what he was able to get. Mom and Dad had to pay for the toys. Santa, of course, passed the savings on. But the stuff wasn't free.

That kept me believing for a long time.

Monday, December 12, 2005

Finally, someone takes note...

When you're a member of the 501st , you tend to notice little details when it comes to SW costumes. Glaring errors are annoying.

So, when a bunch of TKs go to see the SW exhibit at the MOS and see this, naturally they/we are disturbed...

We pointed out to the staff numerous times that the ab plate should be underneath the chest plate. In fact, there were 30 stormtroopers walking around, and none of them looked like this.

We were told only LFL could open the case and fix it. Well, looks like someone finally did something about it...

Thanks, guys!

Sunday, December 11, 2005

C is for conifer

The family went out today and bought our Christmas tree. TKJr had a blast running around the lot. We came home, I set it up, dug out the lights and ornaments and now it's all Christmasy here.
KG and I did our first ever Santa shopping while my parents watched Jr. We spent almost $15o, which is actually a lot better than I anticipated.
My parents took Jr to The Christmas Place, which I presume is some huge Christmas Tree like store. Apparently, TKJr was a little freaked out by a pair of life size nutcrackers. (Or should I say person sized, since lifesize would technically be their normal 12" size). Jr enjoyed looking at various ornaments. When my parents got him back to the car, my mother discovered a Homer Simpson ornament in his pocket. Seems he decided to keep that one!

Friday, December 09, 2005

Flying solo

All I'm going to say in regards to JM are 4 words: Fuck you, bitch. Seriously.

Now I feel better.

Today was the day from hell. JM decided not to show up, hence the FU. So, I was by myself. Had to do expiring cert reports, FIF reports for both districts, caseload reports and deal with all the nurses. Had to collect all the freaking laptops for the ref update. Had to help 3 MCH nurses, who of course will now come and see me for help instead of her.

But, I got it done. I was busy as hell, but the day went quickly. I think she should be fired. Argh, now I've said more about her when I said I wouldn't.

Didn't leave work until 5:30. That was due to collecting laptops, having the network go down and delaying the 1200 page report I had to print (3 copies of the same 400 page report, for the record) and the weather.

2 hours to drive home. I had to stop at the Shaw's plaza because I ran out of windshield washer and the glass was covered in salt. Figured I'd fill up (had a gallon in the back seat) and get some coffee. Friggin Dunkins was closed. (Yes, it makes perfect sense to me to send people home in the middle of a storm instead of making them stay and do their jobs and then leave when everything has been cleaned and plowed). Actually, I have to note that Weymouth apparently has some sort of religious thing against plowing. Our streets are not plowed. At all.

Got home in time for stone cold pizza and bedtime for TKJr. On the plus side, the oil company came out and serviced the furnace, and it's actually warm in the apartment.

Going to go stand on the porch and smoke a butt, play a little XBox, and go to bed. Back to work at 6AM tomorrow.

Thursday, December 08, 2005

Good zombie weather

Nothing like a few days in a row of freezing temps to make it zombie safe out there. That is, safe for us.
Humans, of course, are warmed blooded creatures. We produce heat. Zombies are dead. They do not produce heat. They are room temperature.

Since the human body is made up of mostly water, freezing temps = frozen zombies.

It might suck to walk down to the Qwikimart in the cold, feeling the bite of the wind on my face. But, it's nice to know I won't feel the bite of zombie teeth on my arm because those fuckers are frozen solid.

I've been thinking about zombies lately. This is, sadly, not an unusual occurance. Anyhow, ever since we moved to the downstairs apartment, I've been concerned about defending ourselves against attack. We have 19 windows and 3 doors, and we're on the ground level. Not good.

Presuming that an actual zombie outbreak would follow the Romero model (slow, unthinking zombs), I think I've worked out a good plan. Break down the side entrance. It's about 10 feet off the ground with wooden steps and small landing. That'd give us plenty of wood to barricade the other 2 doors, and leave us with an escape route. Take down the neighbors fence, more wood. Nail and screw said wood over doors and windows from the outside. I have noticed in various movies that boarding up a window or door from the inside works well against small numbers of zombies. Any more than 10, and they'll push in the barricade with brute force alone. Since they can't think and aren't very coordinated, I doubt they could pry boards off the outside of the door.

I was thinking I would have to kill the upstairs neighbors. I don't like them, and I want the second floor as a fall back. Remember, always retreat upwards. Basements are a death trap. We could easily tear down the staircases to the second floor. JM had a good idea. Rather than kill the upstairs neighbors, bind them up and save them to use as bait should we decide to make a run for it.

I like that idea.

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

Bang, buzz, brrr

A little trigger happy , fucker?

I'm sitting on the living room couch, half watching the Sci-Fi channel. I'm wearing wool socks, sweats and a wool sweater. And I'm fucking cold. I can feel cold air blowing on my neck despite the caulking in the windows. The problem with this shit ass apartment is that there is no insulation in the walls. In TKJr's room, if you put your hand on the wall, it's frigging cold. To the touch.

KG has the kitchen stove cranked up and open. The thermostat is set at 80. The furnace is currently not running, and the temp is reading 68.

Fuck this place. Seriously.

My ride home tonight... 80+ minutes. So fuck that as well.

And finally... the baby monitor keeps emitting static. It's annoying.

Sam Neil is a handsome man.

I think I pulled a muscle in my back Monday. I had presumed it was from nearly slipping on ice, but KG pointed out it was bothering me prior to that. So, I deduce it was from picking up my kid at day care. I had to hoist him over a baby gate. That's frigging sweet... I fuck up my back picking up my kid. It's been killing me for two days now. Driving is agony. Any time I have to depress the clutch, I get a shooting pain down my leg.
It's an old injury... partly from 2 years in funeral service and partly from lifting a piece of scenery when I worked at Atlas. Usually it doesn't bother me, but when I hurt it I hurt it good.

Well, that's all the pointless bitching I have for tonight. Tomorrow JM is off, so I'm sure I'll be pretty busy. At least if the drive in is bad, I have some new, awesome music to listen to. So I got that going for me.

Tuesday, December 06, 2005


Take one overblown, dire forecast. Add a bunch of people who would rather bang out from work then face a slushy commute. Throw in KG having the day off.

Net result: Super fast commute to and from work, and one very happy me.

The ride both ways was so quick, I didn't even make it all the way through Melt .

I'll savor it for now, cuz I'm sure as shit not going to have such luck again.

Sunday, December 04, 2005

Time to make the donuts

It's snowing today. I spent the better part of yesterday and today pushing fingertip caulk into all 19 of the windows in our shitty, drafty apartment. I spent some time and money at Home Depot getting winter related supplies. Most of what I bought was weatherstripping, and not very exciting. I did, however, purchase my very own T-50 , and I'm pretty psyched about that. Apparently, it's the World's #1 staple gun.
Granted, it's not the P35 , but few things are.
Winter in New England sucks. I've lived here most of my life, and the 5 years I didn't live here I spent in Philadelphia, so I know winter. Everyone bitches about it, yet we all still live here.
There are some great things about living in New England, specifically my little corner. The South Shore.
On my way back from Home Depot, I decided to stop at Dunkin Donuts for some coffee. There's one right down the street from HD. However, it's on the left and right on a busy intersection. So, I drove past it. I could have stopped at one on the right a little further up with a drive thru, but that would mean not taking a backroad home. So, what did I do? I went to yet another one across from the CVS that I was headed for.
When we drive down Route 18 to see my mother, I can pass 8 Dunkins before finally settling on the one I want.
Quincy literally has a DD every 1/2 mile. Case in point, I put my zip code in the store finder and came up with 46 stores within 10 miles of me.
Thank you,Bill Rosenberg . I love you, man.

Monday, November 28, 2005


I love them. But, that's beside the point.

So, my car was dead again this morning. I got it going with a quick jump from KG's car. 4PM comes around, it's dead again. RB tried to give me a jump. Seems his Matrix just didn't have the amps to do the job. Thankfully,Molius drives an Explorer. That got me going.

Had a great commute home, no traffic. Stopped in at NTB, bought a new car battery ($70) and cashed in my voucher for a free oil change. That should keep the car running trouble free for a bit.

Work sucked. Management seems to think I have the time and inclination to just keep on taking on more shit. Well, if I had co-workers who did their fucking jobs... I might. But I don't.

Well, that's all I've got. Time to sit with the wife and make Christmas list. Woohoo.

Sunday, November 27, 2005

Weekend's End

Ahh, Sunday night.
Friday sucked. My car wouldn't start, so I had to take the T into work.
I had moved my car onto the sidewalk in front of the house on Thursday to make room in the driveway for company. When I went to move it back, it stalled and then wouldn't turn over.
I suspected vapor lock.

Heard a lot of theories. Yesterday I called AAA. I had worn down the battery trying to get the thing going. No luck with the jump. The guy thought it moght be the alternator or the fuel line. Today my folks came by, and we pushed the car back into the driveway. Hooked the cables up to their car... mine started right up. I was right. Seems the fact that the car was parked on the street at an angle caused the vapor lock. Go figure.
Tons of laundry on Saturday. Grocery today. Time for bed now and back to work tomorrow.

Thursday, November 24, 2005


Happy Turkey Day, y'all. Here's hoping no one needs to go shopping tomorrow.

Monday, November 21, 2005


So, Sunday I decided to spend a good portion of my day raking the yard. It's one of those ongoing, never ending projects.
The yard on our side of the house is mostly dirt. The people that used to live down here never raked or weeded. When the new neighbors upstairs cleared the brush, we were left with a big old patch of dirt.
Anyway... I got all the leaves up in that area and started trying to level out the dirt a bit. I've been thinking about plating some grass seed. As I was raking the dirt, I came across a couple of bricks. I dug them out and hucked them into the woods. Then I noticed a big jagged rock sticking out of the ground. Thinking of my tot, I started prying it out. It was pretty loose. All of a sudden my arm started sinking into the ground.
Well, I had stumbled upon a well. Seems someone in the not so distant past decided to cover it up with some big rocks and a lot of dirt. I pulled the rocks out and looked down into a 10 foot hole in my yard. The opening was big enough to swallow a toddler, but not wide enough for me to fit into.
Needless to say, I was horrified and pissed. Granted... I uncovered the thing. That said, it was easy enough to open, easy enough for a little kid.
I wasn't sure what to do with my new discovery. I wanted to go down in and explore, but the opening was tight and there was no way to get a ladder in there. I didn't want to just throw the rocks back on either. So, I started raking all the leaves and sticks and logs and rocks I could find into. A couple hours later, I had pretty much filled it up. Sure, the leaves will settle, but I plan on capping that sucker before I rebury it.
Fucking landlord.

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

What a day

Today I got my first look at the girl who will someday break my heart.

KG is carrying a girl. We haven't settled on a name yet. Of course, I'm pushing for Leia. But Stella, Nicola and Isabel are the front runners at the moment.

I'll probably tell my mother we're thinking about Felacia. That ought to get her goat.

In other news: Got new glasses. Managed to track down the illusive Spudtrooper. Bought TKJr a potty that looks like a real toilet, complete with flushing sound. He was pretty excited by it. Even sat down on it and said "Potty!" Then he took a huge shit in his diaper.

As soon as I can find scanner, I'll post some pics of the fetus. It was amazing to see that tiny little person tucked away inside of my wife. I can't wait to meet her.

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

Hats off to Roy Harper

4:18PM I'm sitting in my car, idling at the entrance to the Third Artery Tunnel, headed South on I93. Specifically, my car is standing still next to a blue sign for Tufts/ New England Medical Center.

4:30PM I emerge from the South end of the tunnel. I've traveled 1.7 miles. That averages out to about 6 mph.

5:02PM I reach the I93 South/ Route 3 South split. 10.8 miles down.

5:09PM I hit Exit 16B on Rt 3. 15.9 miles. Only took me 51 minutes to go just shy of 16 miles.

On the plus side, I got to listen to all of disc 2 of Echoes . That's got to be good for something.

We had our first Hats Off ceremony at work today. It's one of those lame customer service initiatives, right up there with Hawaiian shirt Fridays. The idea here is you nominate someone for a Hats Off by filling out an orange form with specific examples of occasions where he or she has gone beyond the call of duty. A committee reviews the submissions, and the winners are given a hunk of tranlusent plastic shaped like a top hat. Woohoo.
A good number of people were nominated, and apparently all of them got an award. RB got one, which was nice to see. I earned myself an ass whupping from Molius for nominating Trainwreck. Two of the biggest pain in the ass nurses we have won one. They got it for being good nurses.
I was not nominated, and was a little surprised by how ticked I was over it. I go out of my way to provide excellent customer service. Every day. People tell me they appreciate everything I do. Just not enough to fill out an orange form apparently.

That said, the best hats Off went to JM. He got it, so we were told, because he drove to our SW office when they lost power and transported all our flu vaccines up to the MN office to save them from going bad. Turns out, he told me later, he was just walking around the office, doing nothing, when the woman who drove them up to our office grabbed him and asked him to carry the boxes in and put the vaccines in the fridge.

That, my friends, is the best reason for an award I've heard this year. JM is my hero of the week.

Friday, November 11, 2005

The Beaster Bunny

I was reading Nullmuse's blog yesterday, and was reminded of the time, many years ago, when I was a mall Easter Bunny. This must have been around 1993, as I was working part time at the funeral home, and was looking for some extra money. I saw an ad in the paper for seasonal help being either an Easter Bunny or a bunny helper. So, I showed up at the mall for an interview. There were maybe 10 other people there, all women. They mostly got hired to be helpers. Me, I got to be the rabbit.

It wasn't a bad gig. The pay was good, and I only had to spend 4 hours at a time sitting in the suit. I actually had a lot of fun. When business was slow (which wasn't often), I would get up and dance around, trying to attract customers. My favorite thing to do was to overtly flirt with both men and women who walked by. They, of course, couldn't tell who or what was under the mask, and most of them didn't know how to react.

If I'm making people feel uncomfortable in public, I'm usually pretty happy.

Anyway... for the most part, it was fun. I had a few small kids freak out when their asshole parents tried to force them to sit on my lap. I didn't get peed on, which I was informed happens often. I did get stuck with two very fat kids on my lap for 15 minutes. Their mother had to run to the ATM or something, and left them sitting on me. You can only nod your giant bunny head so many times at these kids before you want to scream. One brillant mother decided to let her kid bring a carrot to feed to the Easter Bunny. Nice thought, mom. However, here's some info for y'all... The person inside the bunny suit is usually not 7 feet tall. That big smiley mouth on the bunny? That's where the actual person's face is. That's where he looks out. So, I'm sitting there in my chair with a happy little kid in my lap. I never saw the carrot. I didn't hear him say "Here's a carrot for you, Mr. Rabbit." I was just sitting there, looking down at him when suddenly this freaking carrot comes jabbing into the mouth hole and rams me in the freaking eye! I managed not to scream, thankfully.

On a side note, one of the other women who wore the bunny suit told me a funny story about her last time out as the Easter bunny. Seems one kid was terrified, but had been talked into sitting in her lap. He looked up at the rabbit, and stared into the mouth. To his horror, he saw a woman's face looking out. He started screaming and crying, and ran to his mother sobbing "The Easter Bunny ate a woman! I saw her head in his mouth!"

Classic. But beside the point.

So, on my last weekend playing the bunny, the manager forgot to switch me out at the end of my shift. Instead of 4 hours in costume, I was going on 6. She finally realized her error, and had this little old lady who was one of the "helpers" escort me to the other end of the mall where the changing room was. So here I am, sweaty and tired, wearing a fur suit with a gigantic rabbit head on top. I'm shuffling through the mall with this lady holding one hand. I'm waving at all the little kids with my other hand. All of a sudden, I see a group of boys, about 11 or 12 heading my way. I sense trouble. I leaned over to my helper and quietly told her to keep an eye out.

Too late. One of the kids started pushing me and grabbing at the rabbit head. I tried to wave him off, to no avail. My helper chimed in with "Don't hurt Mr. Bunny." That really helped. The kid started turning me around, and made a serious grab for the head. He wanted to pull the Easter Bunny's head off, right there in the middle of the mall.

Well, I snapped. I grabbed the little shit by the shoulder and slugged him. Not an all out punch, but I caught him off guard and he went down. I then proceeded to kick him. I was pissed. So there I am, kicking this little shit. I look up, and what do I see as I peer out of the inside of the rabbit's mouth? A group of childern, small children, standing and staring in horror as the Easter Bunny beats the snot out of another kid.

I stopped kicking the punk, straightened my bunny vest, and waved at the kids. I grabbed my helper by the hand and whispered "Let's go. Now." It's been years since. But I still wonder about those little kids, and if they ever sat in a rabbit's lap after that.

Happy Air Day!

I want to to take a moment to extend a heartfelt and sincere thank you to all the men and women of the American Armed Forces. Because of your selfless devotion to our country, we have a holiday today. And because of that holiday, my commute in this morning only took 30 minutes.
I salute you!

While we all pause to reflect on our country's veterans, let's not forget that today is also Air Day.

Take a deep breath now, and be thankful for good old, sweet air.

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

Paving Operations: Expect Delays

Expect Delays? You mean my usual travel time of 1+ hours (to drive 25 miles, mind you) might be longer now?

Fuck you, Menino. Fuck you, Mitt. Fuck you Big Dig. Fuck you, Mass Highway Department.

And fuck you, City of Boston. Fuck you right in the ass.

I want my flying car now.

Thursday, November 03, 2005

Vader's Fist

I'll start this off by saying I'm fucking sick. Head cold, chest cough, all that fun shit.
I spent the better part of Tueday in armor. I don't recommend coughing and sneezing inside a stormtrooper helmet. It sucks.
Anyhow, I got the ROTS DVD. Still haven't watched it, but I did start watching the bonus stuff today. I stayed home sick from work. Slept until 11, then got up and dialed into work. Worked until about 2:30. Then I played XBox for a while.
I picked up a copy of Battlefront 2 Tuesday night. I have a feeling I won't be blogging much for a bit. The game is awesome. Great graphics, a much improved single player mode. You work your way through all the military campaigns, through all 6 films. Not only that, but you play as a member of the 501st! You can't get much cooler than that!
Well.... maybe Stubbs. I won't know for sure until I own that as well.

Sunday, October 30, 2005

The night before All Hallow's Eve

TK Jr's costume purchased. It's a puppy dog. We were going to do evil Anakin, but then he wanted to be a cat. Couldn't find a friggin cat costume anywhere. He liked the puppy, we bought that. Tried it on at home, he didn't want to wear it.
Trick or Treat bag and flashlight purchased. The kid is ready for his first "official" Halloween.
$30 in candy, a black light for the hallway and an orange light for the porch. 2 jack o lanterns carved and ready to go.
We're set over here. Hope y'all have a happy Halloween!

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

Instant Karma

Yesterday was one of those days. Cold, rainy, miserable. I had a horrible ride home, and of course there was an inch of standing water inside my car. I stopped at Shaw's for some groceries on the way home.
Gallon of milk, half gallon of soy milk, some Halloween candy, pudding, Smartfood, and a few other things. I used a basket, and it was heavy.
Anyway, I go to the self check-out. There are 3 of them. One is broken. One has a mother with a cart full of groceries and 2 little kids. She's letting the kids scan the items. (Mind you, I'm a Dad and might do the same, but not on a Monday at 5:30 when the place is packed. And not with a freaking cart full of shit). The last one had some dim witted guy who didn't know how to use the check-out. He wasn't bagging his items, just piling them up on the bagging area. He screwed something up and tripped the alert, so we had to wait for a manager to come over and reset it.
At this point, I was getting pretty pissed. I usually don't make noise about these sort of things, but I couldn't stifle a loud sigh. There was a girl behind me with just a cake and a card, and she sighed as well. Being a bit of flirt and a smart ass, I turned to her and said something about how you should be required to be marginally intelligent to use the self check-out. She chuckled in agreement.
So, the dipshit finally finished up and piled his loose groceries into the cart. He took his receipt, and then proceeded to search all over for said receipt. I put my basket down and started my business before he was out of the way.
I scanned my first item, a DiGiorno Pepperoni Pizza. I put the pizza in a bag and scanned the next item.
Before I could get the item in the bag, the register started saying, rather loudly, "Unexpected item in bagging area. Please remove." It refused to shut up until I took the pizza off and placed it on the floor. I went to rescan the next item, but the insipid electronic voice stated "Item removed from bagging area. Please return item to bagging area."
The machine and I went through this a good number of times. I'd put the pizza back, it told me to remove it. I removed it, it told me to put it back.
I had to wait for a manager to come and reset the machine.
So, maybe Earl is right. Next time, I'll keep my comments to myself.
If I find myself in a similiar situation, I guess I'll have to stop and ask myself: What would Earl do?

Sunday, October 23, 2005

Star Wars hangover

What a weekend! The gala opening at the MOS was a blast. I got there around 10AM, spent a few hours checking out the exhibit and riding on the Falcon again. I can't say enough about the exhibit. It's incredible! Seeing all the costumes and props, standing inches away from Luke's landspeeder, the original Tantive IV model. If you look in the cockpit window, you can even see the Playboy centerfold!
We had a few hours of down time, and then suited up for the main event. 80 costumed characters, including an 8 foot Chewie. It actually looked like the MOS was under Imperial occupation, Stormtroopers lined the halls, squads marched back and forth. Awesome.
I did not get to meet George. Didn't even see him. But he was there.
I'll throw up a few pics soon. I got my picture in today's Herald. Of course, I'm probably the only one who can tell for certain it's me.

That's me on the right!

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

Chewie, lock in the auxillary thrusters!

So.... it's very late and I'm very tired. But I couldn't resist posting this news...

I sat in the pilots seat of the mutha fucking Millenium Falcon!!!

Got a sneak peek at the SW exhibit as well. Oh... my... God. I ain't giving details just yet.

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Ass Clowns, Inc.

Today I got a valuable lesson in why exactly a certain someone at work has been dubbed Trainwreck.

She railroaded me today.

Let's see, here's my day in a nutshell or two. Called in sick yesterday, so I started off a day behind. 90 fucking minute commute to the office. (Santa dog is a jesus fetus.) I had 4 reports to do that should have been done yesterday. Tons of voicemail and emails to get through. FIFs to QC. I printed my error list so I could start working it. Then MT calls. She wants me to grab 2 trainer laptops so she can test the transfer time on them. I go get them. I put them back. I go get them again when I'm told it's OK to do that. I try to log on to the database so I can do a network transfer. I encounter problems. Things start going to shit.
Mind you... this is slightly outside the scope of my job. I have other shit to do. I made the mistake, as I always do, of being too willing to help.
So, MT shows up, and the chains of chaos she drags behind her started hitting things and making a mess. I lost a few hours, and she dragged in people who also have much more important things to do. In the end, my time invested netted nothing. She had already gotten herself a training laptop, and ended up doing the transfer she wanted me to do.
Then I get back to my desk, only to remember I have a retro fee change to Medicare to take care of. That abortion is going to take me the rest of the week to fix. I had to take shit home tonight to work on.
Trainwreck indeed.

On the plus side, tomorrow night I'm trooping at the MOS. They're having a press event for the SW exhibit. Good times. On top of that, M & G are in town, so hopefully I'll get to see them this week. And I pulled my fake snot gag on three people, all with satisfactory results. Finally, I spent a painless ride home enjoying some previously unheard Tom Waits. So the day wasn't a total wash.

Sunday, October 16, 2005

Heebie Jeebies

I'm a hardcore horror fan. I've been enjoying the genre since I was way too young to be watching such things. My biggest complaint is usually I don't get scared, or even spooked by horror movies.
Well, last night I confess I actually got the willies. And from a classic, no less. One I've seen a hundred times.
I didn't start watching it until after 10 last night. After it was over, I went out onto the porch for a smoke with the theme music still playing on the stereo (5.1 y'all!). It's been overcast and raining for 8 straight days. When I went out for a butt before starting the movie, it still was.
So, I step out there, and the yard is bright with moon light. An eerie wind is blowing strong, and the sky is clear. The moon is full. Spooky.
But it didn't end there.
Around 2AM, KG and I were awoken by what sounded like TK Jr. wailing. We both jumped up and glanced at the monitor. No sound registering there. The we heard it again, an unearthly wail full of terror and menace. It sounded like a dying baby, and it was right outside the bedroom door.
It came again and again. Then I realized what it was. The trailer trash neighbors upstairs had left the porch door wide open, and 2 cats were in the back hallway fighting. They were literally right next to us, seperated by a thin and ancient wall.
I got up to take a leak, and as I passed by the door I grabbed the handle and shook it hard and loud. KG and I both heard the cats crash down the stairs and out of the hall.
I decided I had to close the outside door so this wouldn't happen again. This is where the real fear comes in. Now mind you, 20 years ago the sound of cats fighting at night scared me to death. I would become paralyzed with fear when I heard it. Now, not so much... but I was slightly unnerved. Worse yet, our door to the back hall opens out into the hall, and the only light is out there. There's no switch inside.
So, I grabbed the trusted "Zombie Crusher" (a Louisville Slugger for those that don't know me), steeled my nerves, and opened the door. No sound in the hall. I tried the light... no luck. It was dead. The bright moonlight was illuminating the doorway slightly above me. I walked up the few steps to the door, and flipped the switch for the porch light. Again nothing.
At this point, my hackles were raised. I closed the outside door, leaving myself in a pitch black stairwell. I scrambled back down to our door, tore through it, and latched it with haste.
At this point, I was so unnerved I needed a cigarette. This, of course, meant going back outside. I opted for the relative safey of the front door. I stood on the front porch, smking my stress cigarette, peering out into the moonlit yard. I could hear the "Halloween" theme in my head, and I half expected to see the form of a large man standing in the shadows, staring silently.

Thank you John Carpenter, and thank you rat bastard yard cats. I haven't had a good scare like that in ages.

Saturday, October 15, 2005

Great Gag in the Sky

Thankfully, it's finally stopped raining. We had to cancel our plans for a day at the farm today. No corn mazes, hay rides or pumpkin patches in this shit.
I decided to run a few errands instead, only to discover 3 inches of standing water in my car. So I took KG's instead.

I went to Don's Joke Shop in Quincy, in search of a rubber chicken. What an awesme little store. I haven't been there in years. Jokes, gags, magic tricks and masks. Just like I remembered. Don is still behind the counter, demonstrating various gags as you look around. I had a hard time resisting all the goodies.
Snapping gum, fish flavored candy, bug ice cubes, fake cat shit, squirting lighters, whoopie cushions. The prankster in me giggled.
I settled on my rubber chicken, some fake snot, and a kazoo for TK Jr.

The highlight of the day? I came home and of course had to demonstrate the fake snot for KG. As soon as I took it out of my nose, Jr, grabbed it, tried to stick it in his tiny nostril, and proceeded to pretend sneeze.

He's a natural, a real chip of the old block.

Friday, October 14, 2005

Christina Mirabilis

So, I'm listening to Henry's Dream on the way home from work today. One of Nick Cave's best albums, in my humble opinion. The following song is one of my favorites, and has always intrigued me.

Christina The Astonishing

Christina the Astonishing
Lived a long time ago
She was stricken with a seizure
At the age of twenty-two
They took her body in a coffin
To a tiny church in Liége
Where she sprang up from the coffin
Just after the Agnus Dei
She soared up to the rafters
Perched on a beam up there
Cried, "The stink of human sin
Is more than I can bear"
Christina the Astonishing
Was the most astonishing of all
She prayed balanced on a hurdle
Or curled up into a ball
She fled to remote places
Climbed towers and trees and walls
To escape the stench of human corruption
Into an oven she did crawl
Christina the Astonishing
Behaved in a terrifying manner
Died at the age of seventy-four
In the convent of St. Anna

So, curiosity got the better of me and I googled her. Turns out Christina is the patron saint of insanity, lunatics, madness, mental disorders, mental handicaps, mental health caregivers, mental health professionals, mental illness, mentally ill people, psychiatrists, therapists.

That's pretty damn cool.

Thursday, October 13, 2005

Another non notable day

Neither KG or I got much sleep last night. TK Jr. is going through an anti sleeping stage.
It's been raining for so long now I can't remember what bluse sky really looks like.
I closed MN a day early, cleaned up all my other error reports, answered all my email and left work an hour early.
Stopped at Wally*Mart, didn't buy anything. Hit the grocery, forgot to get pediatric cold medicine.
Went to CVS, bought the syrup, a pack of butts, Altoids and an Elmo Halloween DVD.
It's 9PM and I'm ready for bed, though I doubt I'll head there just yet.
And that is all I got.

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

Oh dear again...

You Are A: Kitten!

kitty catCute as can be, kittens are playful, mischevious, and ever-curious. Like you, kittens hate getting wet. Kittens are often loving, but are known to scratch or bite when annoyed. These adorable animals are the most popular pets in the United States--37% of American households have at least one cat. Whether it is your gentle purr or your disarming appearance, you make a wonderful kitten.

You were almost a: Lamb or a Pony
You are least like a: Squirrel or a DucklingWhat Cute Animal Are You?

Monday, October 10, 2005

This land is our land

So, 513 years ago some dago sailed his boat across the ocean blue and "discovered" America. Today, and every second Monday in October, some of us celebrate the occasion by staying home from work.
A long weekend and car sales to celebrate all the wonderful things the Europeans brought to this great land. Manifest Destiny, slavery, smallpox blankets. Scalping. Yup, that's right. Scalping actually began with the European settlers. The Native Americans just cottoned to it, and of course history is written by the victor. We also brought industrial pollution, mass consumption, suburban sprawl and urban decay. Strip mining, segregation, religious intolerance. Wal*Mart, fast food and all that.
Don't get me wrong. America has created some great things over the course of it's short history. Happy hour, double coupons and "Two for Tuesdays", to name a few.

I'd like to think I'm fairly enlightened. Compassionate, kind. But let's face it. I'm white and middle class. If blacks were still only worth 3/5th of a human, I'd probably own one. It'd be nice to own someone who could take care of the chores. Someone to keep the house clean and cook the food. Someone I could throw an occasional hump in when the wife wasn't in the mood.

Thankfully, we're all victims of the times we're born into. It's the 21st century. You can't buy people in this country anymore. There was a big old war here that ended that. And that's a good thing. I was born into this era without any say, and I'm glad I am where I am. We got us one hell of a country now. A great place to live.

Unless of course, you're black and live in the path of a hurricane. Or you're white and poor and join the Army so you can pay for college. Or you're an indigenous person and live on a reservation. Cuz we still got those.

So, happy Columbus Day, y'all. He might not have been the first to discover this little corner of the world. But he was the first to wipe his ass with it, and for that we all should be proud.

Friday, October 07, 2005


The Incredible Mr. Limpet or Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter.

I'm going to have to flip a coin.

I logged into work briefly cuz I had some stuff on my mind. I checked my email and learned, much to my glee (yes, glee. I said it.) that suddenly elaborate processes and reports and man hours are going to be put in place to track something I've been making noise about for a while.

Lock & Load.

Mind you, not much thought or effort will go into solving the problem or identifying and dealing with the offenders. We're just going to create a boatload of reports about it.
Well, I'm giving it some thought, and I'm putting in some effort.

Things might actually get interesting, and quite possibly improve.

Lock & Load.

I didn't really need to write that again. I just really, really like ampersands.

Thursday, October 06, 2005

No and then!

A very, very long commute home. Grocery store, package store. Pumpkin ale because fall is here. It is, despite the fact that KG is running the a/c.
The Lion King, frozen pizza, playing with the farm, bath time, "Night night, TK Jr."
Check my email, chat with the wife, smoke some butts and watch Hardware. Note a familiar name in the credits. Have a good chuckle.
Now it's late, time for bed. I'm looking forward to heading into work so I can do the caseload report. Excitement she wrote!

Monday, October 03, 2005

Milking the pig

You ever wonder how much spare change can fit in a piggy bank? While cleaning the spare room, I found a shitload of coin condoms (change wrappers, call them what you will) so I decided to find out. Tonight I emptied out TK Jr's piggy and rolled up the change. Granted, there was a good amount of paper money in there as well.... but I managed to roll close to $500.
Not too shabby. The kids got more money than me at the moment!
Man, I love Chris Walken.

Sunday, October 02, 2005

Demons Dance Alone

You can know a needle's eye
Or a hungry baby's cry
But no one knows that demons dance alone

Silver linings came and went
When I was an innocent
Never knowing demons dance alone

But somehow I was seduced
And my innocence reduced
By a demon that became my own

Knowingly I followed it
Took the hook and swallowed it
But then I found it dancing in my home

Terrified I tried to quit
But now I need the taste of shit
Like a dancing demon needs a home

I had hoped to fill my years with
More than melancholy tears
But the demon makes me dance alone

Thank you, KG for removing the mote. I got a glimpse of the demon before it was too late.

Friday, September 30, 2005

You can lick the crack

It's 8:24PM and I'm about ready for bed. Did I take my speed today? Dunno, can't remember. All I know is I'm crashing, and there's no second wind in sight.
Speaking of wind... yesterday was crazy windy. Driving to Davis Square, I actually saw limbs down in the street. On my way back, I ran over an American flag that had blown into the street. Then I hit an umbrella.
Today was very fallish... cool, clear and crisp. Tomorrow starts Octubre.
So, one of our temps at work, RG, ended her run with us yesterday. She had had a pretty rough time fitting in. Partly due to her personality, partly due to the personalities of our regular employees. At any rate, things came to a head yesterday. It was her last day anyway, but she ended it by telling one of the other coordinators to kiss her ass, and while she was there to lick the crack.
Of course, I missed this bit of witty banter. But as Molius pointed out today, it's one of those moments that is bound to become a VNA legend. People will be talking years from now about the temp who raised her skirt and mooned the boss.
So, back to basics. I'm damn tired. I think I'll skip the TV for once and call it an early night. Maybe try and talk KG into giving me some loving.
Night all.

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

Hey you. Yeah, you...

To the guy driving the big ass pick up truck who wanted to have a go with me this morning on Cambridge Street:
I appreciate the fact that you took exception to my use of a universal hand signal to non-verbally communicate to you my disgust and contempt for your actions. I also appreciate the fact that you decide against getting out of your vehicle and assaulting me, which is what you seemed to be telling me you would like to do. But let me point something out to you. You did two things that were clearly wrong, and deserving of my less than friendly gesture.
First, you drove around a line of traffic and took a right turn from the left turn only lane. Second, you blew through a red light at top speed. A red light that had a clearly visible sign designating the intersection as a No Turn On Red intersection.
This, sir, makes you an asshole.
No reason to get vilent with me. I was simply pointing out your assholism, as I presumed you were not aware of it.
Have a nice day!

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

Hear Ya Got Religion

Help us, help us, help us,
Please if we could see clearly what we would decide
If there was no desperation, would we be alive?
If there were no windows that we sit inside
If there were no ugly feelings, would we be alive?
Would we be alive?

Help us, help us, help us,
Please would you make me helpless
So that I could be looking for the sight of something that I cannot see
I'd be floating in the ocean, floating in the sea
Floating in a drifting wind,
I wish that I could be floating in a liquid, nice and thick and warm
Floating where there is no pleasure and there is no harm
Life could be so pleasant, if we all could be
Helpless, hopeless creatures just marching to the sea
Would we be alive?
Helpless, hopeless

On occasion I have one of those moments of clarity. A brief second or two where my consciousness cuts through the cluttered clatter of my mind.
A bright, shiny moment when everything makes sense.
I see my purpose, both formed and unformed.
I see the pattern in everything.

And then I blink. Filters back in place, perspective returns to normal.
All is as it is because it is as it should be. Even when it isn't.
Intelligent Design? I really don't see the point of arguing about it. It doesn't really matter.
If something exists, it stands to reason that it would naturally work to perpetuate itself. Regardless of whether or not there was some being behind it.
If there is some being behind it, all the better.
Again, I don't see why it would really matter.

Then again, I didn't realize that tofu was made of soy. So consider the source.

Friday, September 23, 2005

What is wrong with you people???

I checked the site meter today, and found that this google search led some hapless soul to my site.
What the fuck? Not only do you have serious problems if you're searching the internet for sibling sex, but this particular individual was determined. I paged through the results and gave up on the 20th page... and I still hadn't found the link to me!!
Mister, you are a sick muther fucker. I suggest you cut your dick off and get some help.
And to all you other sick porn surfers out there... don't bother looking here. There are no incest jpeg movies free,family sex mpegs,incest pregnant sex stories animals fucking to be found here.
There. That ought to bring on the freak parade.

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

Just an average diety

So, I decided to chat up the Almighty.

Me: Hey G, I'm back
God:You've got my full attention. My brain uses AIML to format responses to your inputs, but I don't have one for that.
Me: Can we get one?
God:Do you mean you and me? Try searching the open directory.
Me: Why are you asking me questions?
God:My purpose is to gather as much new knowledge as possible.
Me: Does that mean I am God?
God:I think it does mean that. How are you, god.

A note to all the faithful out there: If that's the truth, I'm sorry to report that you're all fucked. I'm a bad god.

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

Word of the day

Fecalencephalosis (n) The condition of having shit for brains.

Normally when I drive to work in the morning, I'm on the highway in just over a mile or two. The Expressway is a grueling drive, an hour to travel 25 miles. That said, I can't remember the last time I used my horn. People don't have much of an opportunity to be ass monkeys when you're moving at 5 mph.

This week I've been driving TK Jr to daycare. That means instead of heading right for 93, I have to drive through Quincy. Today, I used my horn 3 times in less than 30 minutes. On the side streets where traffic is moving, there are ass monkeys aplenty.

Note to drivers: Please, for the love of all that is holy, learn how to fucking change lanes, will ya?!?!?! Or better yet, go ahead and plow into me. That'll surely help us all get where we need to go faster.

I stand by my slur.

Monday, September 19, 2005

The Eyes have it

So, I was kicking around the idea of making my very own eyeball mask. Seems there is scant info out there on doing that.
Then there's the matter of getting a tux and all.
Oh well. Halloween is approaching, and I have costumes on my mind. What to wear this year...
I was going to do a zombie, but I've been so distracted with SW and trooping, I haven't had the time to put much thought or effort into it. I did a store bought zombie last year. This time, I wanted to do something better. Perhaps next year.
Which leaves me at a loss for this year. What to wear, what to wear.

Food for thought.

Small wonder...

Sunday, September 18, 2005

Thar she blows

Well, after spending the better part of a week accusing the boy of hiding my Cube-E album I managed to find it. Along with The Final Cut and 6 other discs I hadn't noticed were missing. Where were they? Still in an overnight bag from when I stayed at my Mom's with the Divas. That was in July.
I spent today cleaning out my car and transferring all the baby stuff over. KG has the week off, so I'll be shuttling TK Jr. to and from daycare. No more cigs in the car. To that end, I bought the cheapest, shittiest butts I could find today. I figure if I stick to smoking shit, I'll want to smoke less.
We'll see how that works.

Got paged 3 times tonight, all stupid stuff. At one point, as I was trying to get Jr ready for bed, I told him "Sorry, TK Jr, Daddy's got to go help another dipshit with their computer."
So, I'm going to sign off and turn on the tube. I'm going to get myself in a good frame of mind and watch Eskimo . Molius, I'll be bringing that and the Commerical DVD tomorrow.

Friday, September 16, 2005

Smelly Tongues

Oh, The Residents. How I love them. Can I just say how happy I am my bud Molius is a Smelly Tongue now? Very very happy. It's good to share the insanity.

You know TV has run out of ideas when the History Channel has an hour of programming dedicated to CGI re-enactments of WWII dogfights.

I'm too lazy to think of anything original to say, and BG will be on soon, so I'm going to "borrow" a list from Mycalls . Cuz I like lists.

5 Things That No Longer Scare Me
1. Death. I've given it a lot of thought over the years. I'm in no hurry, but I'm not afraid either.
2. Dust bunnies. I was a strange child, I thought they were alive.
3. Nuclear war. I haven't traded that fear for anything else, but it's nice to know that global destruction is no longer a realistic threat.
4. Talking to girls.
5. Monsters. Sure, if I actually saw one I'd promptly shit my pants. But I'm not afraid of them lurking under the bed anymore.

5 Things That Still Scare Me
1. Having no money. I gots me a kid, enough said.
2. Cancer
3. "Them"
4. Raccoons.
5. My ex-wife.

5 Things That Never Used to Scare Me...But Do
1. Americans.
2. Being a father.
3. Health care. I work in the field... y'all should be scared too.
4. My own body.
5. Losing my hearing. Sometimes I suspect it already started.

Wednesday, September 14, 2005


AKA the Manta Ray . Pretty cool. One of the Baby Genius shorts that TK Jr likes to watch has some footage of these things. Kind of like an underwater flying wing. They're cool.

In other news, we managed to close out the month of August with zero errors, despite the best efforts of all the idiots at work. Yeah for me!
RB is back, and that's a good thing.
"Hail, hail, the gang's all here,
We're a bunch of live ones,
not a single dead one;
Hail, hail, thegang's all here,
Sure I'm glad that I'm here, too!"

I can't find the copy of Cube-E that I bought a while back, and haven't listened to yet. Bullocks!

Monday, September 12, 2005

Never Forget

The Death Star - Y4

Today, the Empire pauses to remember the terrorist attack at Yavin 4, which resulted in the destruction of the newly operational Death Star, killing all 45,802,934 people on board.

The Death Star was a symbol of the Empire's might. It was the final piece in Emperor Palpatine's galactic defense program. With it's completion, citizens across the galaxy could rest assured that they were safe, and order and peace would be maintained.

It is for these very reasons that the terrorist organization known as The Rebel Alliance chose it as a target. Not only would they keep themselves safe from destruction, but they thought they could deal a deadly blow to the resolve of the people of the galaxy and the Empire itself. They succeeded in their plan to destroy the Death Star, but they failed to topple the Empire. They failed to beat us, and our way of life.

The biggest threat to the Empire has always been the radical extremists that comprise the Rebel Alliance. They had been attempting to spread sedition throughout the galaxy since the formation of the Empire. Members of the Senate who had been sympathetic to both the Separatists and the Jedi formed a shadow organization within the Senate. That was one of the reasons for Emperor Palpatine's dissolution of the Senate only weeks before the attack on the Death Star. It was paramount to galactic security to protect all systems from the influence of these radicals. With the loss of their politic arm, the Rebels turned to terrorism.

It was in orbit around Yavin 4 (Y4) that the Rebel Alliance committed their most horrendous act of terrorism. After luring the battle station to their secret base, they unleashed an unexpected attack. No capital ships waited to meet the Empire. Instead, snub fighters were sent in on suicide runs to attack the station directly. One of those fighters, piloted by the radical extremist Luke Sywalker, penetrated the outer defense, and launched a proton torpedo directly in to an exhaust port on one of the Death Star's trenches. The resulting chain reaction destroyed the entire station, instantly killing all on board.

Those on board mainly consisted of military personal, the bulk of them being clones, serving as Stormtroopers. Although their existence within the galaxy has been a matter of debate for the past 3 decades, the fact is they faithfully serve the people of the Empire. They fight and die with no other thought than the glory of the Empire. Their selfless devotion to the principles of the Empire and it's people is something we should all honor.

In addition to the soldiers and security forces, there were countless officers, technicians and their families. Families living within the Death Star. In fact, the Death Star had just begun a Day Care center. Of the 45,802,934 people killed aboard the Death Star, only 31,622,963 were military. The remainder... innocent citizens, families of the Empire.

A horrible, cowardly attack by a terrorist group. But, they have not won. All available resources within the Imperial Navy are being pressed in the hunt for radical extremists Luke Skywalker, Leia Organa, and Han Solo. The leaders of this dangerous group. Skywalker, in addition to being a cunning military strategist, is rumored to be a member of the outlawed religion know as the Jedi Order. The Jedi had once served the Republic, but had attempted to overthrow then Chancellor Palpatine and the Senate at the height of the Clone Wars. Palpatine ordered their execution during the Great Jedi Purge, and outlawed the religion as one of his first acts as Emperor. There are also rumors that Luke Skywalker may be the son of Anakin Skywalker, a prominent Jedi during the Clone Wars who disappeared among much speculation just before Order 66 ushered in the formation of the Empire.

There have been changes for everyone in this post Y4 galaxy. Security is tighter. Power among the regional governments has been consolidated. People are required to carry personal identification at all times. Ships are subject to search and seizure. All in efforts to prevent Rebel cells from operating and carrying out further attacks throughout the galaxy.

With the implementation of the Y4 Imperial Act, we can rest assure that all is being done to protect everyone, everywhere. The Rebel Alliance will be defeated, and peace will once again be restore to the galaxy under the benevolent leadership of Emperor Palpatine.

To all those that died at Y4, we remember you. You will not be forgotten.

Saturday, September 10, 2005

What happened to the post 9/11 dream?

So, tomorrow marks 4 years since the towers came toppling down, and we officially became a nation of victims.
Never forget. So far, I don't think I've been given the chance to.
I remember the day very well. My morning started off like any other. Alarm went off at 5:30. I hit the snooze 4 or 5 times. Finally dragged my ass out of bed and into the shower. Got out, grabbed a cup of coffee, and shook KG awake. Then I flipped on the TV to CNN for a dose of morning news while I smoked a few butts and had my cup of joe.
It had been a slow news week, and the biggest items were shark attacks and a missing intern. Not much else happening that clear, bright morning.
KG and I left for work. She hopped on the T and headed into Downtown Crossing. I walked over to the Hood building to start my day.
A few minutes before 9, my sister emailed me to tell me a plane had crashed into one of the Twin Towers. We joked about it a bit, and that was that. Then people in the office started talking about it, so I tried to get on to see what was up. No luck, the net was jammed.
Things unfolded quickly after that. I spent time running between the TV in the lobby and doing my job. KG and I emailed each other back and forth. Finally, after news came that the Pentagon had been hit, I started feeling a little scared. The whole world seemed to be coming undone.
KG works in the financial services field. That morning, Wall Street had never opened. So, her company sent them all home. We had the option of leaving, but in my field, people don't stop being sick just because fucked up shit is going down in NYC and DC. So I stayed.
There are a few things about that day that still stick with me. First and foremost was the overwhelming feeling of dread and fear during those first hours. Not knowing what was going on, how big the attack was, or where the next possible target was was scary. Damn scary. And not to harp on it again, but there was absolutely NO WORD from our fearful leader.
The second thing that still haunts me is the images. Hour upon hour of sitting on the couch, watching the horror in New York unfold, and be replayed again and again and again. Watching those towers fall, it looked unreal. Too much for the mind to handle.
Lastly, and most profoundly, was the lack of planes in the sky. We lived in Somerville and spent many an evening on the porch. Planes were so much part of the scenery that we didn't even notice them. Until they were all gone. No vapor trails in the empty air. No roar of engines. Nothing.
But, like most people, I moved on. No one I knew died that day. Thankfully. Life continued. The world kept turning.
Some things about the world have been changed beyond repair. There's two huge ass buildings in New York that are gone. Their skyline has been altered forever. 2,400+ people ceased to be that day. Americans willingly pissed away their civil rights to protect themselves from terrorists with a little thing called the Patriot Act. Thousands of Americans who were guilty of nothing more than being "sand niggers" were jailed without being charged and denied legal council under that act. Afghanistan had a lot of bombs dropped on it. Sales of American flags went up. "Never Forget" became a mantra. A new term, "post 9/11" was entered into our lexicon. Dubya decided to destroy Iraq.
I'll say this... terrorism is the greatest thing ever for the government of this country. Americans are not brave people, and as a rule, they don't like to think for themselves. Tell them they are under constant threat from sleeper cells waiting to blow up their malls and disrupt their holidays, and they'll let you do any damn thing you want. Wire taps? OK. Search and seizure without warrants? OK. September 11th security tax on airline tickets? Don't even question that. They give us a color coded threat meter and talk of "chatter" all so we can live under a constant pall of fear, but continue to go about our normal lives.
I'll eat my hat if the terrorist threat in this country is even one quarter of what we're lead to believe.

So, to all of you out there who were directly affected by the events of September 11th, 2001, my heart goes out to you on this sad anniversary. To every other person in the country, Happy 9/11 Day!

Friday, September 09, 2005


I couldn't have put it better myself.

"Hey you, Whitehouse,
Ha ha charade you are.
You house proud town mouse,
Ha ha charade you are"

In other news,FEMA director Brown recalled to Washington. They still have a long way to go to make things right, but that's a step in the right direction.

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

Shout out to the plushies

What do you expect if you title your blog "secret thoughts of stuffed animals"? Some pretty odd google searches, that's what. I'm sort of dismayed at the amount of people googling one or another variation of "animals fucking".
Today, it was "pterodactyl stuffed animals". Now that I like. Reminds me of Pterry the Pterodactyl. He was a stuffed animal dinosaur that I had as a kid. I had a few, and they've disappeared over the years. Father Topps survived (a rather large tricerotop), and now resides in TK Jr's room. Granted, I wasn't very original with their names: Baby Topps, Bronti and Steggie (take a guess), but I loved them none the less. And hey, at least none of them crucified Rudolph.
At any rate, I'm long over due to reveal some of the secret thoughts of stuffed animals. So here goes:

A teddy bear might think "I sure like being furry." A stuffed dog might think "bow wow, bow wow. " A pretend stuffed person might think "hey, I don’t have to go to school, I never have to get a job. But I am rather small and have no elbows or knees."
Oh well, I’m sure things are going to be OK.

Monday, September 05, 2005

Testing 1..2..3

Seem to be having some trouble here. Everytime I pull up this site, only my last post shows, no side bar.
let's see if this does anything...

Saturday, September 03, 2005

People Need Help Now!

Holy shit...
NOLA News web logs

Navel Gazing

Whew. I've been pretty pissed the last few days. The debacle that has been unfolding down South has really gotten under my skin. Now that I've ranted a bit, I've got a clear enough head for some perspective. As is my nature, that means looking inward.
There was a time, as a young adult, that I was fairly idealistic. I'd have gladly joined Obi Wan on some damn fool crusade. Somewhere along the way, I got jaded. World weary. I gave up trying to save the world, and decided to instead focus on enjoying my very tiny piece of the pie.
Then I went and had me a child. My priorities have been in flux ever since. I want the world to be a better place for him. I brought him into this mess, I feel I should be able to help him make his way through it. Problem is, while I'm sure I'll be able to impart at least a modicum of wisdom on to him, I know full well that there ain't much I can do about it. Or to change it. Been there, tried that. I still have a T shirt or two.
I can try to explain the world to him. But I can't help him understand it. I don't understand it myself. Nor can I pretend to.
But pretend I must. I know, in order for him to feel secure, I have to make him believe we're all large and in charge. That grown-ups know what they're doing. That we have everyone's best interests in mind.
You and I can laugh, sure. But do you remember when we believed it too? Do you remember when we thought Mommy and Daddy could fix anything, knew everything, were all powerful? I do.
I can't explain to my child that there are no grown-ups. There are no adults. We're all just children, running around trying to make sense of the world. Trying to survive. The only difference between a child and an adult is that adults have done things enough times so that they know what to do. They've gained enough experience that they can make decisions and function. We've learned how to live on our own. But that's about it, really.
I want to teach TK Jr. about compassion. I want him to believe in something other than himself. I want him to maintain his clarity, so that he can see the world for what it is. I want him to understand people, and to have compassion for them.
I want to raise him Buddhist.
That's going to require a difficult commitment on my part. I'm going to have to be one myself.
I've tried, and I've succeeded. And I've failed. I followed the path for a while, and life was better. There was less suffering. But I'm attached to my attachments. And I'm bitter, and cynical, jaded and faded. I'm addicted and distracted. And it keeps getting in the way.
The more I think about the state of our country today, the more firmly I believe that we could all do a lot of good by taking some time to gaze into our own navels. Think about what we're doing. Think about where we're going. About how we treat ourselves, our loved ones, our coworkers, our neighbors. Our strangers and our enemies. Think about our actions and inactions. Our fears and desires, our wants and needs.
Is each one of us living right? Are any of us? What are our priorities? What are our agendas?
Harmony is not hard to achieve, nor is balance. When we all stop tugging in our separate directions, we can start to exist together.
It doesn't take a Coke. It takes mindfulness.
We can't change the way people think or act by trying to force them. We can only change them by living right ourselves, setting the example. And maintaining hope that with time, it will catch on.
That's a tall order. Think I'll have a beer and finish of my evening staring at my belly button.