Wednesday, December 28, 2005

Happy Brumalia

Tonight is one of those nights where I'm sitting here on the couch, doing nothing much and thinking my useless thoughts. I thought I might be nice and share a few of them.
I haven't been paying too much attention to the brouhaha over the "War on Christmas." People arguing over something so pointless usually just makes me tired.

Then I happened to wander by Mycalls blog, and saw his very eloquent entry about the true spirit of Christmas. I agree with him, that's what it really is all about.

But, I'm not feeling so eloquent or nice this evening. Small minded people really tick me off. So I'm going to offer up my personal solution to the whole problem. I'm working on a new system here, folks. In theory, it works as follows: Complain about something unimportant, and we'll make your life so fucking miserable you'll learn to shut up and get on with life. So, here goes...

Apparently, in the United States, the federal government does not technically have any national holidays. I did not know this. The federal government does, however, recognize 10 annual holidays (recognize is a funny word. Does the government say "Hey there, Independence Day. I've seen you around, I recognize you. I digress.) Those holidays would be:

New Years Day, Martin Luther King Day, President's Day, Memorial Day, Independence Day, Labor Day (celebrate work by staying home!), Columbus Day, Veterans Day, Thanksgiving, and Christmas.

One of these things is not like the other ones. Hhhmmm... only one of them seems to be a religious holiday.

The religious right complain about the secularization of Christmas. The other side doesn't want religious displays. So, let's piss everyone off... no more Christmas holiday. That old separation of church and state thing. No more day off from work. No more day off from school. You want to sit at home or in church and meditate on the virgin birth? Take a fucking vacation day. You prefer to gather at a relatives house, get drunk, eat too much food and spend wads of money on useless shit no one really wants? Call in sick to work. Schedule a day off with pay.

That ought to please no one.

The other thing we could do, since the actual granting of holiday status is apparently up to state and local government, is have Christmas celebrated on different days in different places. If we're really clever about it, it could be fucking Christmas somewhere every day of the year. Woohoo!

The whole origin of what we now know as Christmas is so murky and convoluted anyway. December 25th has about as much to do with the birth of Christ as tit fucking has to do with reproduction. Christ's Mass, Hanukhah, Kwanzaa, Winter Holiday... whatever you want to call it, just enjoy it. Do we really need to start treating the people in this country like bratty children? If you can't all shut up and enjoy the day, we'll take it the fuck away from you. It's starting to seem that way.

Anyway... I enjoyed Christmas, despite the familial obligations that can be tiring and stressful. I enjoyed it because I love the people in my life. Even the ones I neglected to send a card to. I have ADD... these things slip my mind. Trust me, if you haven't heard from me lately it's probably because I think about you a lot. But that is beside the point. My point was, I think, that we have one day a year where the basic idea is to think and act kindly toward everyone. To give, to love. To reflect, to celebrate. People need to make an issue out of that? Fuck you. Fuck you all.

4 comments:

Mike said...

i like this idea! it would make for a really good made-for-tv holiday movie

The Year They Took Away Christmas

Mike said...

Starring Patricia Heaton as the lawyer who helps slam through the Christmas reduction act and later has a change of heart thanks to the intervention of a wiser than her years Dakota Fanning.

And of course Dakota's widower Dad (Anybody, just NOT Tom Cruise) falls for PH and they all save Christmas with the help of the common folk.

Mike said...

Just think of the residuals!

Mike said...

Ummm...is it rather obvious that I'm avoiding setting up another semi-useless presentation? Here, let me put words on a slide and then READ THEM to my eventual audience.

Powerpoint is just a cheatsheet for businessfolk.