The Beaster Bunny

I was reading Nullmuse's blog yesterday, and was reminded of the time, many years ago, when I was a mall Easter Bunny. This must have been around 1993, as I was working part time at the funeral home, and was looking for some extra money. I saw an ad in the paper for seasonal help being either an Easter Bunny or a bunny helper. So, I showed up at the mall for an interview. There were maybe 10 other people there, all women. They mostly got hired to be helpers. Me, I got to be the rabbit.

It wasn't a bad gig. The pay was good, and I only had to spend 4 hours at a time sitting in the suit. I actually had a lot of fun. When business was slow (which wasn't often), I would get up and dance around, trying to attract customers. My favorite thing to do was to overtly flirt with both men and women who walked by. They, of course, couldn't tell who or what was under the mask, and most of them didn't know how to react.

If I'm making people feel uncomfortable in public, I'm usually pretty happy.

Anyway... for the most part, it was fun. I had a few small kids freak out when their asshole parents tried to force them to sit on my lap. I didn't get peed on, which I was informed happens often. I did get stuck with two very fat kids on my lap for 15 minutes. Their mother had to run to the ATM or something, and left them sitting on me. You can only nod your giant bunny head so many times at these kids before you want to scream. One brillant mother decided to let her kid bring a carrot to feed to the Easter Bunny. Nice thought, mom. However, here's some info for y'all... The person inside the bunny suit is usually not 7 feet tall. That big smiley mouth on the bunny? That's where the actual person's face is. That's where he looks out. So, I'm sitting there in my chair with a happy little kid in my lap. I never saw the carrot. I didn't hear him say "Here's a carrot for you, Mr. Rabbit." I was just sitting there, looking down at him when suddenly this freaking carrot comes jabbing into the mouth hole and rams me in the freaking eye! I managed not to scream, thankfully.

On a side note, one of the other women who wore the bunny suit told me a funny story about her last time out as the Easter bunny. Seems one kid was terrified, but had been talked into sitting in her lap. He looked up at the rabbit, and stared into the mouth. To his horror, he saw a woman's face looking out. He started screaming and crying, and ran to his mother sobbing "The Easter Bunny ate a woman! I saw her head in his mouth!"

Classic. But beside the point.

So, on my last weekend playing the bunny, the manager forgot to switch me out at the end of my shift. Instead of 4 hours in costume, I was going on 6. She finally realized her error, and had this little old lady who was one of the "helpers" escort me to the other end of the mall where the changing room was. So here I am, sweaty and tired, wearing a fur suit with a gigantic rabbit head on top. I'm shuffling through the mall with this lady holding one hand. I'm waving at all the little kids with my other hand. All of a sudden, I see a group of boys, about 11 or 12 heading my way. I sense trouble. I leaned over to my helper and quietly told her to keep an eye out.

Too late. One of the kids started pushing me and grabbing at the rabbit head. I tried to wave him off, to no avail. My helper chimed in with "Don't hurt Mr. Bunny." That really helped. The kid started turning me around, and made a serious grab for the head. He wanted to pull the Easter Bunny's head off, right there in the middle of the mall.

Well, I snapped. I grabbed the little shit by the shoulder and slugged him. Not an all out punch, but I caught him off guard and he went down. I then proceeded to kick him. I was pissed. So there I am, kicking this little shit. I look up, and what do I see as I peer out of the inside of the rabbit's mouth? A group of childern, small children, standing and staring in horror as the Easter Bunny beats the snot out of another kid.

I stopped kicking the punk, straightened my bunny vest, and waved at the kids. I grabbed my helper by the hand and whispered "Let's go. Now." It's been years since. But I still wonder about those little kids, and if they ever sat in a rabbit's lap after that.